I don't totally know why I'm on here...bored I guess...and perhaps I kinda miss you guys...

and for those of you who don't know....I kinda secretly "left" DA...didn't really want to tell anyone because then I'd have to deal with the drama and then I'd feel bad...sorry if that sounds somewhat selfish...

Well...uhm....not much is really happening...I'm starting to read stuff now...A few good books I've had lately are "Wolfen" by Whitley Steiber and "Timeline" by Micheal Crichton. I highly reccomend both...I haven't been drawing much...but I am working on a pretty cool picture of Leviathan on Photoshop...I kinda wrecked the file, didn't save right, but I have a back-up...so I'll see what happens. I'm in school now, of course...haven't had much time to myself, and everything's been making me depressed, tired and uninspired...which is bad because I'm now taking Art...Ap Art. I've also got graphic arts, English AP, and Algebra II...I've got one of those crazy math teachers...She's cool as a person...but as a teacher....not so much. She has this set way of doing things and if you don't follow them, you get penalized for it whether you answer the work correctly or not....so her work is agonizingly long and painful to do.

I've made some minor plans with my dad to visit him in Pennsylvania, possibly around Spring Break, so that's cool. Aaron and I are still dating, and we've been spendin our weekends together watching documentaries on dinosaurs and nature, as well as movies that just happen to be good. We're also nightly working together in our first rp. It's pretty amusing. He's in college now, 2nd year, doing a bunch of weird architecture classes that I don't understand but he seems both fascinated and frustrated about. He recently had to build something out of plexiglass. He whined endlessly about it, but i don't think he's had anything too frustrating since. He's also irritated slightly with his teachers. One of them apparently has a tendency of giving homework and not e-mailing the information on-time. He still hasn't gotten a job though, but he's trying.

Halloween's practically tomorrow as far as I'm concerned and i've been pretty eccentically hysterical over it as I usually am. My sister might be a Devil or a Goth Fairy (I vote the first) and Aaron wants to be my buddy, Cruor. I think I'm going to be an ice-vampire this year, but i'm making a little ice dragon, named "Jack Bleu", out of papier mache to sit on my shoulder as an extra prop. doing well so far.

I have a few new and ok drawings I might eventually upload, as well as stuff from last year that's pretty cool, but I don't know...I don't know if I'm even back yet.

*points up* The book I'm reading, I couldn't fit the author's name cuz the title was so long. Its by Ray Bradbury. Just clearing that

Warning: This is a very very long journal XP Even I went cross-eyed typing it

Hey. I've finally got time to be on here for an extensive-ish period of time. After this journal I plan to go and reply to my stacks of comments, but I'm not sure if I have the energy right now to go through Deviations...much less journals. I figure when I do have time, I'll look through the latest journal of every watcher I have rather than read a billion old ones.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, Spring Break week, a week from Today, was spent on a cruise. I'm going to have this journal organized by day so I don't end up blabbing to long. I don't remember it in exact order very well, but I hope this is acurate enough

Saturday:
Rough traffic getting on the ship, Carnival: Freedom, but as soon as we got out of the car, we had VIP passes that let us speed through customs and such with minimal hassle. Once on the ship, I admit we weren't sure what to do. We went for some pizza, cuz alot of the stuff we got, including pizza, was free, and we quickly discovered that they had icecream machined with cone-dispensers, not unlike the dispensers of paper cups. That was cool. We got lost exploring the ship, seeing the different places we wanted to hang out at, and went up to our rooms to unpack. I'm pretty sure I just took a nap at that point and let Ce-ce go swimming. We somehow managed to get lost on the way to our diner, even though we found it in the first place, and met our waiters, Joel being the only one I can remember at the moment. The other was ok, but didn't interect with us as much, but Joel was fun to have around, and even cut my sister's meat XD We also met three other people who sat at our table, mother and father Renae and John, and their son, Nick. I'm pretty sure I got their names right this time. I didn't care for them to much, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.

Sunday:
I think this was when we reached Key West. Key West was cool. It looked all old-fashioned. We didn't spend much time there though. We visited the Autobon House/Museum and saw many different bird paintings and interesting parts of the house and how it looked at the time John Audubon lived there. He was some kind of environmentalist who studied birds...I was more into looking at the art than reading his history...still, it was cool, and I took many pictures of his garden, though, not really of his paintings for some reason...Still, it was beautiful to see. There was also an Art museum I wanted to see, but it was closed. Still, there were many realistic sculptures outside it that I looked at and got pictures of.

I'm pretty sure Sunday was when I tried out the ship's pools....they were salt water, which was cool, and they had a water slide....but the pools were tiny, and only two available ...I didn't bother with pools much after that. While Grandma had a martini or two, I went and got an airbrush tattoo. They had a lame selection of dragons so I got a snake.

Monday:
Saturday was a day at sea. I spent much of my time hanging around grandma. Ce-ce stayed at the pool or with her friends. My snake had already worn some by that time. I took part in a short 60's dance class, which I aparently wasn't that great at, and looked at overpriced jewelry. Grandma and I then went to catch the end of of an Ice-sculpture. The first person to guess what was being sculted got to take the sculpture home...*wonders how that worked out*. I think she also got a gold-ish medal for that. What we really wanted to see though was the Hairy Chest Contest. XD That was funny, and I got plenty of pictures of that. The men had to dance down a set of stairs and the three female judges had to feel their chest and back hair and decide who looked the best. It was hysterical.

Ce-ce came back to our room, a surprisingly small suite, claiming she lost her card. She got a new one and the lost one was cancled, but grandma was ma at her for not checking in all day. Tired, Ce-ce went to bed while we went to diner. Joel missed her and made a fus about where she was. It was funny. Grandma and I were by ourselves that night, eating lobster. It was alittle lonely, minus Joel, because our tablemates weren't there either. It was formal night so I put on my mom's make-up, new clothes, including a skirt....yes, a skirt, and some cheap jewelry. I also removed my tattoo.

Back in the room, I watched the latest episode of "Fringe" on the TV while Ce-ce ate from room service

Tuesday:
We land in Grand Cayman. The Cayman Islands was fun. We were bused to our catamaran, which, from there, took us out to a sandbar with tons of stingrays. Our capton explained safety precautions and we went into the water to swim with them. The stingrays were there for attention and, of course, food. Ce-ce was screaming the whole time, and I got irritated when she started clinging to me and I stepped on one accidentally because of it. Thankfully I only stepped on her wing, and not to hard, so she didn't sting me or anything. I didn't really feed them or kiss them (supposedly kissing one of them gave you 7 years good luck), but I enjoyed petting them. A couple came up to kiss me, though I wasn't sure and thought they wanted food so I would push them away if they came at me, but this one very persistant girl practically tackled me. XD it was pretty funny. When Ce-ce finally calmed down enough to feed them, we were packing up and leaving. I have no pictures of Stingray City Sandbar because they're all trapped on a water camera.

After, we went to George Town and ate lunch at an Italian restaurant while watching the waves smash up against the rocks. Grandma bought some rum cake and rum for grandpa, and had to sign something for it to be taken to her room since it wasn't supposed to be brought onship. While I was standing uselessly in the liquor store, I found some souvenier magnets with stingrays on them.

Back on the ship, I'm not totally sure what happened...I know I took a nap...I don't think we did much. Though, whomever cleaned our room that day left a towel sculpture of a stingray, which was awesome, and the only one I got a picture of. the other two made on other days were and elephant and some kind of dog or something. On the way to diner, I spotted a country dance hour, which Ce-ce and I gleefully joined in. Damn I need more exercise.

Wednesday:
We land in Jamaica. It was a beautiful island, covered in rainforest. Our first excursion was up a waterfall....gandma took the stairs. Our guide had our group hold hands as we slowely made out way up through rushing water. At some point, I caught a Jamaican lizard and freaked our tour guide out with it When we met up with grandma, I told her about the lizard and she just started complaining "I spent money to send you up a mountain through a waterfall and all you can talk about is a stupid lizard?" .... it was cute! Getting out of there was a bitch though. The locals there do anything for money, and many of them have stands in which they set up art and typical suvenier sell-ables and anything that said "Bob Marley" on it. Some of the stuff was really pretty, but they were so annoying when they kept asking us to look at their stalls and buy this and that. I did buy one lizard wood carving, and Ce-ce got a turtle. Once out of the sea of local salesmen/women, we went to Dolphin Cove. We got our picture yaken with a dolphin and got free food...which wasn't that great. Some ladies offered us a foot massage, and while Ce-ce wasn't interested, it sounded pretty good to grandma and I. We had to go through another souvenier shop, but this one was commercially owned or watever so they weren't bombarding us with pleas to buy anything.

Back on the ship, grandma and I went to hang out in the massage chairs and while she had a martini, I went to an art seminar. It was kind of boring, but informational, and I got a free art print from it. The instructer later came by the bar where I was sitting with grandma and some guy we were talking to and gave me two extras. I gave one to Mrs.Marc, and I'm keeping one, but I'm giving the third to Aaron's mom.

Thursday:
Another day out at sea where we rounded around Cuba and shot straight to Florida. Once again I stayed near grandma the whole time. Being a shy, anti-social, and kind of nervous around other people, thats was pretty typical for me...though grandma tried several times to get me to hang out at the teens club. I got a country dance lesson on how to line-dance, which was fun. It was another formal night. Oddly enough, as happy as I always felt wearing my mom's clothes, I put on a white sweater of hers with ne of my skirts. I put on makeup and her ear-rings and suddenly just felt overcome by sadness. It was so wierd. I curled up next to grandma when she was reading, and that made me feel better

On our way back from dinner, grandma dragged me into getting my picture taken by one of the photographers who constantly asked for subjects whenever you walked by. It was cool. He poised me and took a couple nice pictures. I'll be sure to post one soon. We were to tired to do anything but sleep after that.

Friday:
Final day, also at sea. Grandma, either this day or Thursday, I'm not sure, took me to some little tea party thing, which was nice. A cup of tea, cucomber sandwich, a vanilla cream cookie, a chocolate cream cookie, a cup of fudge and a slice of cheescake.... I saw some flying fish to! that was what sparked my imagination and inspiration again: seeing flying fish. It was awesome

At the diner there was a goodbye party from our waiters, who sang, among other perfomrances they did the previous nights. After we went to see a show from Puck the Hypnotist. That was hysterical. It started out slow as he was sending his voluntiers into a hypnotic state, but later he was cruel to them. He made them feel hot, cold, think they were celebrities, that they had rubber noses, or that their neighbors farted or pinched them and such.It was the only show we saw while on the ship, kind of because it was the only one we had the energy for that whole week. When we got back we had to rush-pack our things so they could be taken away.

Satuday: We at breakfast and disembarked the ship. nothing interesting....but they closed down the ice-cream machines...

Sunday: Easter Dinner at my uncle Dan's. Boring till I got a hold of TV. I also played with their pet bird, which fell in love with me I wond the easter egg hunt my Aunt Andrea set up and gave some of the money I earned from it to my sister.


Spring Break, in a nut shell....a very large nut shell. Congrats to whomever read, or even skimmed, this whole thing...

eh, as usual, couldn't possibly find a better title if I tried.

things lately have been a little weird, and I'm bored enough now to tell you guys about it while getting rid of the sight of my previous journal. The funeral ceremony was nice I guess. It seems like an oxymoron to say so, but its sort f was. It was a pretty church and it was a nice thing to be a part of, even as a Wiccan. The priest was nice and very respectful, and we had some yellow roses (mom's favorites) and other flower baskets with a couple pictures of her, both of which she wore beautiful dresses that Paul destroyed. After a bunch of rituals that I found a bit odd, a few of us said some words. I blubbered out a eulogy I had written myself. Benny didn't go up to say anything, as he was still grieving terribly, so his sister spoke for him. Lots of family was there, many people whom I didn't know from the French side of my family. Aaron was there, and of course Benny and a few of mom's friends from church or AA.

I'd been cranky that morning of course, very edgy and miserable, which unfortunately bit the rest of my weekend for me. I had family over, including cousins and Travis wanted me to read something. I got really annoyed when he pestered me about it and didn't seem to catch that I was being evasive...sorry Travis, I really regret that. Even after the ceremony I was alittle on the cranky side. I put up with Aaron for a while but I hadn't gotten any sleep the night before and I was getting tired real quick. unfortunately his own circumstances prevented me from kicking him out the door. I didn't really get to go to bed till around 9.

After that my life has been incredibly busy. 2 of my grades dropped to B's. One of which I'll hopefully be able to make up with some work tonight, the other I barely care about and I'll just pray for a good midterm grade to bring it back up. I feel kind of like a nerd now, obsessing over my straight A status, even though a math class or two next year will send that spiraling down the drain, but I'm FINALLY getting some positive attention from grandpa! Took him long enough to come around afte rmy first all A semester, but he finally did and now I don't want those A's to drop. He's impossible to impresse to a point he'll show it. I've had an incredible outburst of creativity in the field of literature and I've been working hard on rewriting "Blood Bound Eclipse" to unincorporate the modified version of Morsus's life that I created with Devin. Its renamed "Of Claw and Fang" and by far feels like my best for its writing style and emotion, something I lack in a lot of my writing. Its about Morsus and her brother, Talon, and their role in the Bloodfang Clan as it was dying. It describes their odd history and the hardships they went through. I might post it after I'm done posting the second part of Cruor's story, and though I'm rewriting his story to, I'm not likely reposting it. I unfortunately have had little inspiration lately in the visual arts so I haven't drawn anything new, but I am working on a vase I'll hopefully reach the completion of soon.

Aside, Saturday we went back to moms apartment, its been a month now since she died, and we got some of her stuff from clothes to pictures. Its really comforting wearing her make-up and her favorite clothes.

and grandma's obsessing about a cruise we're going on Spring Break. Its got a jacuzzi tub! and we're VIP's XD

nothing else interesting. just letting everyone know I'm all right, still alive, and might be returning to usual DA responsibilities again soon-ish

...something goes wrong...

its weird saying this outside of family and close friends but figure I might as well tell you'all to. Last Sunday, either really late Saterday night or early Sunday morning, my mom died. My sister and I were both over there. I was sick and struggling for sleep and I heard Benny yelling mom's name. He said she had wet herself and she wasn't breathing...Both Benny and Ce-ce were in hysterics, especially Benny who kept trying to wake mom up. I sort of accepted she was dead and instead of crying, tried calling 911 and tried comforting my sister and Ben. Ce-ce seemed to almost blame me for not crying. After the police did their investigation, I called grandma and she and grandpa drove over to pick us up. It was about 2 when we realized mom was dead, 3 when I called grandma,and 3:30 when they came to take us home, leaving Benny with some nice neighbors until his sister could come get him. I kissed mom one last time before I left and I didn't cry until a little after I left, and I've been crying on and off since.

We think she overdosed on her meds. Not on purpose, but apparently she did. She was taking anti-depressants. As some of you know, my mom had a tough life. She divorced my dad and then married this bi-polar bastard named Paul who ruined our lives. He abused her, burned her things, stalked her, near killed her once or twice, and hindered my grandparents' ability to get custody of me and my sister while we were in foster care, completely unaware of what was going on around us. He was let out of jail on house arrest and we haven't seen him since. It seems hes fled to New York. We occasionally still get calls from him or that we think are from him. His influence on mom left her an alcoholic with nightmares of him and post-dramatic stress. She was 37, and she'd likely still be here if it weren't for him.

After she met Benny, things seemed to get better. Though she would snap back and drink every now and then, she tried her best to better herself. She took strong medications and went to A.A. Before she died, she must have gone 4 months without a drink. She seemed so happy to. She had a new computer and she was planning to buy all this stuff for it and she was downloading music and dancing around and watching movies with us. Everything seemed all right. Her medacines made her tired to the point she'd be a walking zombie, barely able to stay awake. We had gotten fairly used to it...she went to bed after her meds at around 5 and didn't wake up.

The ceremony is Saturday. I'll say a eulogy or w/e. I'll regret it if I don't, even with stage fright. After autopsy and such, she'll be cremated, and her ashes spread across the beach as she always wanted.

As for me, I'm doing ok. I feel a little lost...don't quite think I fully understand whats going on. I worry about Benny, who last I heard refused to go in the house. Everything feels all out of sorts now

there's a spam message going around DA now. why is it that when I finally get notes its always about something bad? First my work deleted and now this...anyway, if you see a message like "rofl this may be relevant to your interests" don't click it. its some weirdo chain mail thing, and the link in it is retarded. more info: [link] the deviation that got the message was noting important, wasn't even my work. it was just a picture from an e-mail joke I posted and never deleted...so I deleted it now. meh

aside....nothing to important is happening. my scanner hates my Vista so I can't post images right now, bleh. In school I got out of Algebra 2, for now, but in 2nd and 4th block I sit next to this kid named Brandon who is an actual super Christian Jesus freak...and though he claims he not, he was totally trying to convert me. he didn't bother me today, but I'm hoping I can at least change my seat in graphic arts. unfortunately both classes I have him in are full and its kinda hard to change seats. He's telling me the classic religion scare: if you don't believe in Jesus, you go to hell. Thinks he's saving me. And its not just me he pesters. He does this to everyone. Seems to think his way of religion is more rightious than anyone elses.

It seems everyone is having a miserable week to. my grandma's sick, grandpa's grandpa, my sister drowned her mp4, Aaron's stressed between school and homelife, his dad and sisters are sick, my art teacher's teaching 8 courses in one class, english teacher's father died, mom's been tormented by Benny, and Benny's just Benny so he's never happy *rolls eyes*...just seems like one of those universally bad weeks...

oh, and Friday the 13th's coming up....yay...don't be to depressed though. I'm not really as miserable as I sound.

I don't even want to think about how neglected this account is...again...

...whats up?